Hello and welcome, fellow Commander and Magic players. It is with no small amount of joy (or humility) that I, Jack “The Most Hated Man in Magic” LaCroix, bring to you Troll Aesthetics, a column devoted to the proficient use of subterfuge, timing, bluffing and multiplayer politics to achieve success in arguably one of the most popular formats. Surviving the onslaught of your friends, arch-enemies and other acquaintances in Commander doesn’t necessarily require the strongest deck, the best cards or even the most familiarity with what you’re piloting so much as how much access, knowledge or forethought those at the table assume you have. If you can play your opponents unto your favor, if you can even for the slightest moment make them assume you’re no longer an issue or threat, victory can be as easy sitting back and watching the sparks fly-after all, nothing is more enjoyable than watching people squander resources and then scramble to recoup as you unleash yourself upon the board. But don’t think even for a moment that political subterfuge and exploiting the temporary, ill-placed friendship of those around you is some meager undertaking. Like any other covert operation, coercing your opponents to fight for you by investing their time, trust and resources isn’t for the weak willed. People will not take kindly to your “underhanded” tactics, and may even dare to call you a troll as they’ve done to me. And if such a reputation begins to precede you, you’ll be fighting an uphill battle before you even sit down to play.

Commander is a format based upon our perception and threat assessment skills, as well as our ability to adapt to change. No two deck lists are exactly alike as everyone tends to bring their own style of play to each general, and so making an assumption based on that one card is perhaps the most dangerous and foolhardy thing you can do. Likewise, having an opponent make an assumption based on what general you’re playing can be a death sentence, or put you leagues ahead of everyone. I’ve piloted [card]Sharuum the Hegemon[/card] for nearly three years, and it is by far my favorite general of all time. While I love taking her out to major events, the moment I pull her out of my bag I’m immediately met with eye rolls and called a troll-though I suppose a great deal of this also comes from the various stories I’ve told on Monday Night Magic of removing entire libraries from the game. Still, the label sticks, and I’m treated as such for the remainder of the game. Even complete inaction doesn’t stop people from treating me like I live under a bridge.

I never set out to be a troll, and I’m pretty positive there isn’t a player out there that purposely sets out to make the game genuinely unfun for other people despite what entire threads across the internet are attesting otherwise to. So what is a “troll” in Magic? Popular opinion leads us to believe that a troll is someone who purposely makes the game as non-interactive as possible through the use of a degenerate combo, vague ruling, and other similarly masturbatory means of play. They’re concerned about the win over their own enjoyment of the game and lose without showing even a modicum amount of good sportsmanship (“I totally should have won that game, you scrub!”). They’re the kind of people that run only the “strongest” builds, and pick deck lists apart with scathing attention to detail. Social interaction not being vital to their idea of fun or success, most trolls will resort to running whatever list has the highest win percentage at the time in some vain attempt to appear as pro-level as possible, and will do so by any means necessary. And yes, it goes without saying that these fellows will follow their plays that they were told to use to a tee without considering how widely present variation is in the field. This kind of behavior is the norm in constructed formats such as Standard where intense study of the meta game and desire to replicate the success of people such as Conley Woods, Brian Kibler, and Patrick Chapin is at the highest, and so the trolls aren’t as obvious since so many perfectly normal players are doing the exact same thing.

But in Commander, these kinds of people are the worst. They’ll fancy themselves an innovator and anomaly in their playgroup despite having devoted next to zero hours in creating something original. They’re usually completely oblivious to the mathematical impossibilities against them increasing as the number of people sitting down to play a game rises, and often find themselves in a personal quandary when their TotallyReliableCombo.dec didn’t go off, or when they are dealt with prematurely due to the enormous target they paint on themselves. They’ll grumble and blame the table ganging up on them instead of wrapping their heads around the concept of multiplayer politics, and storm off only to have yet another “unbeatable” build the next time they sit down. For the one million times these kinds of people are crushed, the one win they achieve is enough to inflate their ego beyond sensible means. This is naturally in spite of the fact that there is usually nothing on the line with a game of Commander aside from a small amount of dealer credit and bragging rights. They view winning as a means of assuaging their lacking self confidence, and are usually the last people you want to sit down and play any sort of casual game with. I could insert a comment here about body odor, pale acne-riddled skin and perpetual virginity, but I’m fairly sure you’ve already got a well constructed mental image starting to form in the forefront of your mind’s eye.

The problem I have then with using the word “troll” in Commander and subsequently being called one is that while everyone can tell you what a troll is (and can probably point to one in the room on Friday night), they often won’t differentiate between a troll and someone that just happens to enjoy running their finely tuned [card]Sharuum the Hegemon[/card] list due to the immense amount of hate they associate with that general. Similarly, if players are aware that the general is powerful but don’t completely understand to what ends such as with Karn’s non-planeswalkin’ iteration or [card]Gaddock Teeg[/card], they’ll react with the same amount of distrust and phobia. This puts the player behind Sharuum/Jhoira/(insert totally awesome general here) in quite an awkward position, as the table’s hysterics now render their decks actual power level a moot point. Even if they could stabilize in time, dealing with the pressure of three or more players conspiring against them presents a glass ceiling between themselves and certain victory. Let’s not forget that all the while, everyone else is amassing for the fallout and gaining board position to secure themselves a win after they deal with the that guy keeping them from enjoying a nice, casual game. So what’s a normal, non-socially deviant “troll” to do? Let’s take a look at our options:

1. Pander unto you, suffer unto me: Do you know the guys and gals you’re playing with fairly well? Do they rarely treat you like vermin save for those moments you bring out [card]Arcum Dagsson[/card]? There’s no shame in using friendship to your advantage. Bringing beer and food to game night can go a long way towards waxing those fragile alliances during the course of the game, especially if you make yourself as congenial a host as possible. Repeat after me: get your buddy a brew, and he’ll block for you.

This isn’t always an available option (especially at large events), but the idea lives on through the clever use of blocks, counters, and going out on a limb to help people. Be sure not to leave yourself open for exploitation, and people will happily step in to help the “troll” out. Then later, this same trust will be the very thing that gives you the wiggle room to crush them.

2. The [card]Phelddagrif[/card] Connection: Sometimes no amount of alcohol or bro-fists will make that disgustingly combo-riddled general of yours pretty. If your deck isn’t entirely reliant on the general, switching to a less offensive option should be considered. [card]Azami, Lady of Scrolls[/card] is horridly obvious, and will set off a red alert-but using [card]Kami of the Crescent Moon[/card], even if it’s the same exact deck list, will not. If this doesn’t seem sensible, ask yourself what you would assume has a lower power level between Sharuum, [card]Sen Triplets[/card], and [card]Merieke Ri Berit[/card]. Sharuum has all her famed recursion, Triplets can take your turn if it sticks, and Merieke has access to exactly the same tools-and could even be one of the other choices in disguise. Which would you attack first, second and third if you knew nothing about the rest of their respective builds? Group hug decks have been utilizing this tactic for years.

3. Middle Man: If getting your opponents intoxicated and switching your general are absolutely beyond your means, then being the most neutral person at the table is also a viable option. Even if your opponents are apprehensive due to your insistence upon using Jhoira, they’ll ease back when it’s obvious you’re not going to do anything vicious, and forget about you entirely when someone else suddenly becomes the threat. Keep up the charade by making plays that affect everyone to an equal degree (such as busting an [card]Oblivion Stone[/card] without having dispensed Fate counters), and they’ll hardly see the [card]Mind over Matter[/card] to compliment your [card]Temple Bell[/card] coming. For added fun, use stuff like [card]Mycosynth Lattice[/card] and [card]Kill Switch[/card] as a way of staving off aggressive armies from killing others at the table. Used apolitically such strategies will seem harmless until the time calls to turn them degenerate.

4. Manners: Like our first option, but this one goes unsaid. Instead of vocally discharging your distress at being unable to totally own everyone, compliment your opponents on their well timed plays, their cunning card choice, or even just their play mat. A few kind words towards increasing the enjoyment of the game will encourage people to keep you at the table. After all, you might be a troll in their eyes, but at least you’re nowhere near as intolerable as that other troll they know.

Keeping these elements in mind, I’ve recently retired my favorite Etherium kitty in favor of a deck that appears to play nice with others, and so far I’ve experienced plenty of shocked faces as my little blue smurf steals the game:

Kami of The Crescent Moon by Jack LaCroix:

1x Little blue smurfoid creature that draws cards. (AKA [card]Kami of the Crescent Moon[/card])
Creatures:
[card]Consecrated Sphinx[/card]
[card]Magus of the Future[/card]
[card]Psychosis Crawler[/card]
[card]Palinchron[/card]
[card]Voidmage Husher[/card]
[card]Kederekt Leviathan[/card]
[card]Teferi, Mage of Zhalfir[/card]
[card]Kozilek, Butcher of Truth[/card]
[card]Solemn Simulacrum[/card]
[card]Mnemonic Wall[/card]
[card]Trinket Mage[/card]
[card]Sower of Temptation[/card]
[card]Venser, Shaper Savant[/card]
[card]Magus of The Jar[/card]

Planeswalkers:
[card]Jace, The Mind Sculptor[/card]
[card]Jace Beleren[/card]
[card]Tezzeret the Seeker[/card]

Enchantments:
[card]Mind Over Matter[/card]
[card]Future Sight[/card]
[card]Mystic Remora[/card]

Artifacts:
[card]Mana Vault[/card]
[card]Memory Jar[/card]
[card]Pithing Needle[/card]
[card]Voltaic Key[/card]
[card]Gilded Lotus[/card]
[card]Crystal Shard[/card]
[card]Oblivion Stone[/card]
[card]Nevinyrral’s Disk[/card]
[card]Temple Bell[/card]
[card]Howling Mine[/card]
[card]Horn of Greed[/card]
[card]Font of Mythos[/card]
[card]Doubling Cube[/card]
[card]Crucible of Worlds[/card]
[card]Tormod’s Crypt[/card]
[card]Sol Ring[/card]
[card]Sensei’s Divining Top[/card]
[card]Everflowing Chalice[/card]
[card]Planar Portal[/card]
[card]Vedalken Shackles[/card]
[card]Caged Sun[/card]
[card]Expedition Map[/card]

Sorceries:
[card]Beacon of Tomorrows[/card]
[card]Bribery[/card]
[card]Time Stretch[/card]
[card]Prosperity[/card]
[card]Blatant Thievery[/card]
[card]Fabricate[/card]
[card]Walk the Aeons[/card]
[card]Savor the Moment[/card]
[card]Time Warp[/card]
[card]Merchant Scroll[/card]

Instants:
[card]Cryptic Command[/card]
[card]Commandeer[/card]
[card]High Tide[/card]
[card]Dissipate[/card]
[card]Capsize[/card]
[card]Hinder[/card]/[card]Spell Crumple[/card]
[card]Twincast[/card]
[card]Desertion[/card]
[card]Intuition[/card]
[card]Evacuation[/card]
[card]Mystical Tutor[/card]
[card]Blue Sun’s Zenith[/card]

Mana Base:
[card]Tolaria West[/card]
[card]Glacial Chasm[/card]
[card]Mikokoro, Center of The Sea[/card]
[card]Strip Mine[/card]
[card]Academy Ruins[/card]
[card]Mystifying Maze[/card]
[card]Maze of Ith[/card]
[card]Riptide Laboratory[/card]
[card]Reliquary Tower[/card]
[card]Magosi, The Waterveil[/card]
25 assorted Islands by John Avon.

Yay, mass card draw for everyone! Multiple draw effects almost make up for the fact there are 5 time walk abilities in the deck, all of which can be recurred infinitely through [card]Mnemonic Wall[/card] and JTMS. But then again, taking multiple turns is only slightly ruder than forcing players to out their library with [card]Palinchron[/card]+[card]High Tide[/card]/[card]Caged Sun[/card]+ [card]Blue Sun’s Zenith[/card]/[card]Prosperity[/card], and both of those options still can’t clean the filth off of killing everyone with [card]Psychosis Crawler[/card] (Keep the guy that’s drawing you cards alive? Sure thing. Mind if I resolve this [card]Fabricate[/card]? Thanks buddy!). This deck isn’t any fairer than other mono-blue decks in the format in practice, but will be wrote off to a far higher degree due to the fact everyone is benefiting (and suffering) for your plays, and so stands a higher chance of sticking it out until the end.

I hope you enjoyed today’s Troll Aesthetics, especially if you’ve ever found yourself wrongfully accused like I have.

Until next time, keep your plays tight and undercover like Bond, and only spring when you can see the disinterest and boredom in their eyes.