Hello again, my minions! Sorry about last weeks “no-show”, but these planes ain’t gonna conquer themselves, you know. Johnny McPlaneswalker is back, having crushed his enemies and enjoyed the lamentations of… well, you know the rest. Leave it to Wizards to drop a [card]Goblin Grenade [/card]on Magic while I was away.
What do you think about the Modern announcement?
While this wasn’t that big of a surprise (everyone, their grandmother, and their accountant knew Modern was coming), Wizards took their usual conservative approach and Double-Tapped it in the back of the head. Maybe this is really just some next-level marketing for Innistrad and the entire office has been infected with some rabid form of Lycanthropy, one that causes them to throw caution to the wind and shake things up. Well, if so, I for one welcome our new Werewolves of the Coast overlords.
On the other hand, I can understand the headache of those that had already spent weeks preparing for the Pro Tour. Tezzeret (who has been known to play on the Pro Tour under an assumed name) was very upset. Here’s a text he sent me:
“I’d like Mark Rosewater. I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is!”
Wow, where’s the Tylenol?
How did YOU land Chandra Nalaar? – Name withheld.
Why do I keep getting asked that question? I like to think that Chandra can see past the shabby veneer into the true Johnny McPlaneswalker underneath. Sure, she jokes all the time about, “Type B personality” and “Non-threatening” and “I could kick your ass with ease” but I know that deep down, she finds me totally irresistible.
Who are your favorite Magic writers? –
How about we just look at current writers (because I don’t think I could hold anyone up against the untamed awesome that was John “Friggin’” Rizzo or the sheer entertainment of Geordie Tait):
Patrick Chapin: Probably the very best all-around writer in Magic today. His column is the only one I make damn sure I read every week. Chapin is also one of the best Ambassadors the game has ever had. Plus, I’d almost guarantee he knows how to make a shank out of a deck box.
Mike Flores: He gets a lot of hate, and I totally get it. He’s about two steps away from referring to himself in the third person and growing a curled handlebar moustache. But, Flores seems to think about Magic and deck building in a unique way, and he’s good for at least one tier 1 deck per year. Sure, there are times you will have to wade through the self-congratulatory remarks like three feet of rancid pig crap, but it’s usually worth it.
LSV: Gives the punniest set reviews in all of Magic. So long as he doesn’t become a victim of squandered resources, and effectively brainstorms his articles, I expect a giant growth in his readership.
Have you seen the preview art for Dark Ascension. Suck on it, McPlaneswalker! –S.M.
Apparently, WOTC has decided to pursue the “tween girl” and “flaming homosexual” demographics with the second set of Innistrad block. Just look at the way Sorin stares at you with his “date rape” eyes, liquid slowly sliding down his chin as he wipes down his huge weapon. Sometimes, a sword is just a sword.
Congratulations, Sorin. You get to be the face of the block that makes the best euphemism for an erection since Champions of Kamigawa. “Man, Chandra is causing a Dark Ascension in my pants.”
Liliana: dirty whore or just a tease? –@livewithfrank
An uncouth planeswalker would tell you that Liliana was a D-grade backwoods prostitute before she found her “spark.” A vindictive planeswalker might tell you how she slept her way through the multiverse, turning tricks to learn tricks, and that she described herself as a “recreational motorboating enthusiast.” And, a downright asshole would probably tell you that she used to weigh about 15 stones, trademarked the “Summon Cold Stone Creamery” spell, and has a tattoo of Kurt Cobain on her left cheek.
I, however, am a gentleman, and would never say anything to slander the good name of Puddin’ Ms. Vess.
Why do you answer our questions? Do the other planeswalkers mind you telling so many “normals” of your ways? –@thephoenix5
Most planeswalkers look at humans as little more than an annoyance. In their minds, me answering your questions would be the equivalent of you putting on a play for a herd of cows. Sorin, the Bastard, refers to humans as “snacks with genitals”.
Fortunately, Johnny can remember his day as a mortal. It sucked. I feel it is my civic duty to brighten your days with “inside information” on the lives of beings much, much more powerful and better than you. You’re welcome.
A McPlaneswalker Recommends:
The Venture Brothers. If you haven’t seen this show, go ahead and hit yourself. Now. Hard. With a claw hammer. When you wake up, start on season 1 and don’t stop until you’ve seen them all. This show has the best ensemble of character on television right now. The creators have describes the show’s main theme as “failure” and it is a smashing success. I’d rather go up against an Eldrazi armed with a paperclip and a ball of string than mess with Brock Samson.
Today’s Interesting Fact from the Planes:
There are a great many M:TG related sexual euphemisms. Some of the most frequently used are: Twiddling the Bone Flute, Tapping the Grinning Totem, Mulligan until you find the Throne of Bone, Pocketing the Kird Ape, Liberating Karn, Sleeving the Wand of Denial, Revealing the Beast Within, Cascading the Wurm, and Shuffling the Dragon.
That’s it for another mailbag! Keep those questions coming! I will try to be back next week, but, while April may be the cruelest month, August sure seems to be the busiest.
Encourage your friends, neighbors, and loved ones to follow me on twitter. Again, when I reach 100 followers, one lucky individual will receive a free, SIGNED (by me) Mudhole!
If you have any questions, I can be summoned at McPlaneswalker@gmail.com
or @McPlaneswalker on twitter.