Hello Once More, My Minions!
M12 previews are cranking up and it seems like a gaggle of you want to pick my brain about the newest core set.
But, first, onward with this weeks episode of our favorite soap opera, Jace of our Lives.
What do you think of Jace’s new card, [Card]Jace, Memory Adept[/Card]? – Anonymous
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
*Breathes*
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Man is that card great!
Jace is now limping around like one of Bob Barker’s labradoodles! Instead of Memory Adept, they should have just been truthful and called him Jace, Testicularly Challenged!
Maybe now we can all agree to stop caring about Mr. Beleren.
What other cards spoiled from M12 have you excited?
There are quite a few, Wizards seems to be loading M12 with interesting cards. I usually throw more shit at Wizards than your average monkey at the zoo, but I will give them kudos on M12. So far, it looks like a great core set, even if they decided to screw over every creature in standard and reprint the Titans.
I’ve already explained my uh… “interest”… in Grim Lavamancer, but red mages got another big boost with Chandra’s newest incarnation; [Card]Chandra, the Firebrand[/Card]. A free Fork is nothing to laugh at. I can see the endless douchebag opportunities this card will present. [Card]Staggershock[/Card] in Standard. [Card]Cruel Ultimatum[/Card] in Overextended. Pair her with [Card]Sorin’s Vengeance[/Card] for a 40-point life swing.
Also exciting is the newest hate bear on the block, [Card]Grand Abolisher[/Card]. The card seems extremely powerful, and a must answer for some decks. I bet Evan Erwin squeed like a Little Girl when he found it in his inbox. Then again, Wizards does love to troll Evan, so take his excitement with a grain of salt. Actually, with Evan’s track record, you may want to forget the grain of salt and just start desalinating the entire ocean.
[Card]Sundial of the Infinite[/Card] has me at half-mast. Wow. My brain is already overloading on the potential combos this card creates. Magic seems like an entirely different game when your opponent has to deal with “At the end of turn” triggers and you do not.
Hey look, it’s [Card]Sutured Ghoul[/Card], and [Card]Cemetery Reaper[/Card]. *Cough* Innistrad is graveyard based *cough* get your playset of [Card]Surgical Extraction[/Card] and [Card]Necrotic Ooze[/Card] immediately *cough*.
Oh [Card]Solemn Simulacrum[/Card], how I have missed thee. I can remember those lonely nights, sitting at the kitchen table, my 4 mana staring at me from the tabletop and an off-color 5 drop laughing in my hand. How I wanted you back in my life, and in my deck. Can we find that Magic we once shared, Solemn Simulacrum? Will you again help me to create 4 color decks with silly splashes? Do you have it in your heart to again stand before the enemy and sacrifice yourself so that I can draw a card? But why aren’t you sad? Having a Sad Bot that isn’t sad makes me sad.
Speaking of making me sad: [Card]Angelic Destiny[/Card]. Green mages couldn’t get a [Card]Rancor[/Card] reprint because it made infect too powerful, but white mages are given an enchantment that turns any of their dudes into a certified member of Heaven’s army… and they give it the Rancor ability. Now, I know what Wizards thinks of your average green mage but try not to be so blatant with the f!@#ery next time, ok?
[Card]Smallpox[/Card] is an example of a perfect candidate for a Core set reprint. It has power, but never realized its potential the first time around. It can be deck defining, and has a legion of fans excited about its return.
Unfortunately, I think Wizards has decided that castrating Jace was not enough. It looks like the Planeswalker cards in general got a massive de-powering. Garruk’s new card will probably make him angry enough to throw his organic-soy-fat-free-diet-green tea across his solar-powered, 100% recyclable cave. Chandra looks good, and Gideon is a monstrous aggro-eating demon. But, the average casting cost of a Planeswalker has risen from 4.2 (for the Lorwyn ‘Walkers) to 5. We still get Planeswalkers, but I don’t expect them to be impacting the game as much (or as early).
And while we are on the subject, what the f*ck Wizards? Now you decide to reprint [Card]Oblivion Ring[/Card]! Really? It was like we’re banning cards as people are tired of being given the middle finger and the answers aren’t good enough and then you reprint the answer when they’re gone, I mean really?
Do you ever wine and dine innocent, unsuspecting young girls to never call them back after? – @livewithfrank
Johnny McPlaneswalker is in a long-term (i.e. 500+ years) COMMITTED relationship with the beautiful and transcendent [Card]Chandra Nalaar[/Card]. He is unworthy of the affection she blesses him with everyday. He is unable to so much as glance at another female without feeling repulsed. Chandra has ruined all other women for Johnny. All other women look like the [Card]Ghazbán Ogress[/Card]. Were she to pass away, he would seclude himself to the acrid fields of Phyrexia and pray for a quick death.
Johnny McPlaneswalker knows that a slow immolation is the third worst way to die. And yes, she reads this column to keep tabs on me but for some reason our computers can’t read blacked out text.
I think my planeswalker is cheating on me. How can I keep them from straying (to other planes of existence)?
If you like it, then you better put a (Oblivion) Ring on it.
If planeswalkers can’t get sick, do you get hangovers? – @thephoenix5
Yes, we can! It would probably take a tanker-full of this piss you call “booze” on earth, but there are places in the planes that make a drink strong enough to inebriate even the Ineffable. The [Card]Kobolds of Kher Keep[/Card] have been known to brew a concoction from mountain goat spit and fermented carrots that will make you feel like your soul is splitting in twain, and leave you sh*tt*ng neon purple. I highly recommend it!
What’s your pick for breakout card in the post M12 metagame?
Well, we still haven’t seen all of M12, so I can’t be 100%, but I can’t seem to stop building decks with Birthing Pod. I’m currently testing it in monoblack. It’s hella fun to turn a post-kicker Gatekeeper into a Phyrexian Crusader, into a Phyrexian Obliterator.
Johnny Mcplaneswalker Recommends
This is a new concept. Each week I’ll make a suggestion on something you should check out. It may be not be Magic related, but you can bet your Black Lotus that it is something interesting and awesome. For the first week, I have two recommendations, both of which are books. So for this week think of it as Oprah’s book club if Oprah was an ageless Planeswalker who will cast [Card]Damnation[/Card] on your ass if you do not follow my recommendations.
1. The Brother’s War by Jeff Grubb. I know, most Magic related fiction is atrocious, I’d rather sleep with a walrus than read most of the things Wizards has published. But, this one is great. And, not just “good for a book about a card game” good, but actually one of the best read’s in the Multiverse. It was on The New Multiverse York Best Seller list, so take that to the bank. If you want to get to the root of why Urza became a psychotic, entire plane murdering, badass mother, then this is the book for you.
2. The Lies of Locke Lamora by Scott Lynch. A fantastic fantasy novel that takes the spirit of Pirates of the Caribean, mixes it with Ocean’s 11, and sets it in Medieval Venice.
Today’s Interesting Fact from the Planes
There is no creature in creation as unforgiving, no beast as remorseless, and no being as relentless as the [Card]Goblin Rock Sled[/Card]. Only the most fearless and suicidal planeswalkers dare summon the feared Rock Sled. Fore, you can beg a Rock Sled for mercy, but it JUST. DOESN’T. CARE. The Goblin Rock Sled is one cold, motherf!@#ing killing machine.
That’s it for this week. As always, if you have any questions don’t hesitate to hit me up at mcplaneswalker@manadeprived.com or on Twitter via @McPlaneswalker.